My Way

Being a Sinatra fan that I am, I guess its appropriate that all my blogs have his songs as title.

I really do not know whether i would be able to sing 'I did it my way...' when my end is near but if I can manage to do it, then and only then I would call myself successful.

After talking about this for years, after chewing brains of people who still had the patience left to pretend they were listening, after making plans after plans after plans, finally I am going to do things my way.

Deciding on this was not very easy. I had my own share of self-doubts and fear and pressures. But now that I have drafted my resignation letter, only feelings left are of excitement and eagerness to move forward.

My mum can not believe this. Even I would not have believed it few years back. I am quitting a job I always wanted. A job that most people would die to get. Yes, including my IIMA batchmates. A job that pays me more than I had ever imagined. A job that would ensure that I can retire by 35. But 6 years are too long to wait. Today I do not have the fat wallet, but I have 6 extra years!!!

Its not that I do not like what I do. Its the job I wanted and after I got it, I realised that I wanted the right thing. I like the people I work with, I like the work-life balance and believe it or not, I even like my boss!!! Primarily because he told me that I would be promoted in about a week or so!!! I know I am good with my job. But whats the big deal if I continue to do what I am good at? Ya, I would have tonnes of money. But I was as happy when I was earning 1/10th of what I earn now. Marginal utility of money keeps falling. But yeah, its difficult to explain it to my mum.

I don't want to do anything for money. I do not want to do anything 'for' something? I want to do things because I want to do them. I want to do things I have not done. I want to acquire skills I do not have. I want to be good at things I am bad at. I may not be successful. But I want to try. I want to travel and I want to teach. I know it pays less then 1/20th of what a treasury guy like me makes. But I hope I will earn the right to sing, 'I did it my way'. Isn't it a great bargain?

I know its logically not possible for me to explain why I am doing it. But then I do not need to explain it. The reason that 'I want to do it' is big enough.

'For what is a man, what has he got?If not himself, then he has naught.To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels'

I am sure there will be blows but I hope I will take them My Way.

Love and Marriage

‘Marriage is the best thing that happens to a man in his life’, told an uncle of mine when I was young, ‘and the worst’ I could not understand what he meant as I was only 13, situation has not really changed at 29. Its unlikely to change in the foreseeable future.

Although I do not understand much of it, but I think marriage is one of the most powerful ideas in the world. It unites the world together. Probably the only thing common to all religions, castes, creeds, countries and continents. It also brings most of the married people closer, in making a mockery of the married life.

What is wrong with us huh? We do not get tired telling jokes on marriage and making a mockery of it. We believe that marriage restricts our free spirit. We understand that marriage forces us to make adjustments. We know marriage means additional responsibilities. We still get married.

Marriage is all around us. Whether it’s the wedding jokes, attending someone’s wedding, someone looking to get married, someone avoiding to get married, pressures from your boy-friend/girl-friend, someone trying to get out of bad marriage etc etc etc. Oh yeah, then there are uncles and aunts who do not know you and whom you do not know, but they ‘know’ that you should get married, as soon as possible. What is it with these guys no? Exactly, what is it?

Lets look the dictionary definition of marriage.

'The state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a legal, consensual, and contractual relationship recognized and sanctioned by and dissolvable only by law'

Clear? Understood? Hey that’s ok, neither did I understand.
Marriage is a contractual relationship which changes the legal position of a person, in terms of his rights and obligations. Contract? Legal? I am confused, I thought marriages were made in heaven. I was told that it’s the most beautiful expression of your love for each other. Dissolvable only legally? Why would you dissolve it in the first place?

I believed in Frank Sinatra, when he sang 'Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage. They go together like horse and carriage....' I thought it was a timeless classic. I thought it was true.

In old times, marriage was viewed as the basis of the family unit and vital to the preservation of morals and civilization. Traditionally, the husband had a duty to provide a safe house, pay for necessities such as food and clothing, and live in the house. The wife's obligations were maintaining a home, living in the home, having sexual relations with her husband, and rearing the couple's children. Today the underlying concept that marriage is a legal contract still remains but due to changes in society the legal obligations are not the same. With most of the traditional social relations and roles, getting redefined, don’t we need to re-look at the relevance of the concept itself?

Ok, how much time can you spend with one person? More importantly, how much time would you like to spend with one person? One hour with some? one week with some? What about a lifetime? Lifetime ???
Can I really decide on something for the lifetime? Only thing I can say with certainty about my lifetime is that its going to be uncertain. My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my preferences are all going to change with time. I do not know what my life is going to be tomorrow. I do not even want to know. That would take all the excitement away. I want to live each and everyday and figure out for myself how fucked up it is. Then how is it possible to decide on a partner for lifetime?

Ok lets drop this lifetime thing for a moment. Why in the first place would I like to spend time with someone?
That's easy. Sex. Then things like, good sense of humour, money, its nice to be seen around with her, ah gawwd she is so hot. All agreed.
Lifetime? all the reasons mentioned above are at the bottom of the needs hirearchy. If you get married for these, once these need are fulfilled, you would move on to higher order needs. May be that Sinatra guy would make sense then.
One reason that makes sense to me is the need for companionship. And sharing of financial responsibilities. I think these are the most honest reasons and most relevant to our generation. It also means that the dictionary definition of marriage is not incorrect. Please read it again.

Marriage, by design, is a vehicle to achieve financial stability. Is it the basis of civilization? Are we saying without it families would not be there? People would stop loving each other? Stop raising kids? A look at the animal kingdom would tell you that its not the case.

I am not trying to say there is anything wrong in getting married. Believe me, even if I want to say it, I do not have balls to question the oldest tradition in the world. Marriage is a great institution, if its looked at as a legal contract. Marriage of convenience. You get companionship, you get financial stability you give up some of your freedom.

I am just saying, it should not be confused with stupid things like love, feelings, emotions etc etc. It is a contract governed by the Indian contract act, just like so many contracts you enter into.

I am just saying, I want to be clear about what I am doing and why I am doing it. I want to drop the pretence that I am getting married for some higher purpose. I want to have courage to say that its just a contract for me, in case it is.

I am an old fashioned guy I guess.

I would like to stay with someone because I want to stay with her, not because there is a legal contract. I would like to go back to her after a big fight, because of the stupid reason that I am in love with her. I would like to be loyal to her for the reason that I can not think of anyone but her.

Yes, I am bound to change. It would be stupid to decide on something for the lifetime. But I would love to take the risk. I would like to believe that its possible for two persons to spend their lives together, because they want to spend their lives together.

I would like to believe that both of us would change with time, together. And would have big enough hearts to make allowances for each other. I want to be madly in love with the person I spend my time with, whether its one day, one year or a lifetime.

I believe that marriage is being with someone you love. If you love each other, then there is no difference between a live-in relationship and signing a few legal papers. There is also no difference between a break-up and signing few more legal papers(except for the alimony part ofcourse).

Didn't I say I am an old fashioned guy? I still listen to Sinatra.

Pointless talk no?